


Dear Charlie Spencer

by ArgentJinx



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Before during and after homecoming, Civil War Team Charlie Spencer, Civil War Team Iron Man, Civil War Team Miriam Sharpe, Gen, Introspection, Loads of Exposition, Marvel you have plot holes, No blame games, Not Not A Fix It, Not Super Salty, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Pretty Low Sodium Actually, What-If, so many questions, so much dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-18 06:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14847129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentJinx/pseuds/ArgentJinx
Summary: An action can be understandable, that doesn’t mean that it’s forgivable.  There will always be reasons, but those aren’t the same as justifications.  Desperation does not excuse bad decisions.  Just because a person apologizes does not mean they're absolved of their wrongs.  And Charlie Spencer, and everyone he represents, deserves to be a focal point, not a footnote.Three people write to Charlie Spencer.  One to reassure, one to explain and one to understand.





	1. Dear Charlie Spencer

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note - This story deals only with situations that take place in the Avengers MCU. Therefore, no X-men and since Agents of SHIELD has become extremely inconsistent with the MCU, no part of the story will be drawn from there either. Only characters that we’ve seen in the movies will be present in the other chapters. Chapter One sort of required a couple of OC’s. The data on the accords, which is not the Registration Act from the comics and doesn’t even really resemble it, is taken from http://marvelcinematicuniverse.wikia.com/wiki/Sokovia_Accords.

Midtown School Science and Technology offered an AP civics and political science course to juniors and seniors with a GPA of 3.5 or higher.  With only ten spaces available the competition for one of the coveted spots was fierce.  The teacher, Dr. Reineman, had retired from his career as renowned political analyst, deciding instead to teach part time in the hopes that one day he might educate the next John F. Kennedy, Pepper Potts or Walter Cronkite.  A Phd in political science from Yale and a 40 year career spent analyzing other peoples moral decisions hadn’t left him bitter, just the opposite.  Reineman had no interest in his students’ future career choices, he only wanted to give them the chance to change the world for the better by helping them understand the legal and moral obligations that every person with power has.  Michelle Jones needed to be placed in that class.

 

“Michelle, it’s only mid-October.  This is a little early in the year to start talking about next year’s classes.  I know that you’re very committed to your academics and I don’t think you’ll have any problems being placed in the courses that you’re interested in, with the exception of civics.”  The guidance counselor, Mrs. Cadenza, paused.  “Dr. Reineman bases his student selections on essays that they turn in the previous term.  You’ll have until February 12 to complete a project on any topic that interests you. The first draft is due December 18.  If you decide to apply, I’ll make sure your name is added to the list of potentials.  Are you sure you want to take this course as a Junior?  Twelve of next year’s seniors have been placed on the list.  That’s a lot of competition.”

 

Michelle nodded, “If I get into Dr. Reineman’s class as a Junior and maintain at least a 4.0 average, then I can use my free period in senior year for an internship.  Interns at the New York Times have to be eighteen or in college.  This is the best possible use of my time.”

 

“The New York Times?  That’s ambitious.  Have you already spoken to someone there?”

 

“Yeah.”  Michelle grinned, “The lady I spoke with said if I could get Dr. Reineman’s recommendation, I should just apply for a job.  But I think an internship would be fine for now.”

 

Mrs. Cadenza smiled thoughtfully and said, “Well you need a hell of an admissions essay.”

 

° ° °

 

“Hey loser, wait up!”  Michelle trotted to catch up with the two boys ahead of her in the hallway.  “I need to ask a favor.”

 

Peter Parker and Ned Leeds turned to look at her, Peter’s eyebrows raised in surprise.  “Sure, MJ, whatever you need.”

 

That attitude never failed to stun Michelle.  There was no reason for Peter to help her with anything and yet here he was offering everything he could with no thought for payment in kind.  “Cool.  Can you get me in to meet Stark?  I need something spectacular to get into Reineman's class and I’m hoping if I burn Tony Stark down to the ground I might have a chance.”

 

Despite the fact that she had just threatened Peter’s personal hero, he grinned.  “Let me ask.  I’d like to see you try!”

 

° ° °

 

The next Tuesday, Michelle sat in the waiting area outside of Tony Stark’s personal office and looked around with disdain as she adjusted her messenger bag.  Everything was high windows and steel walls with expensive artwork and stiff leather furniture.  Nothing to suggest warmth or engage interest.  She was over an hour early for the meeting that Peter had set up in the hopes that she could observe some of Stark’s interactions with other people.  With a sigh, she pulled the instructions for her admissions essay out of her bag and went over them once again.  It wasn’t like she had missed something, since the instructions were literally two sentences long.

 

_‘In 500 words or less write a thought provoking composition inspired by a current event of your choice.  (Basically, make me love or hate something in three paragraphs.)’_

 

Quite possibly the most ambiguous assignment she had ever come across, but Michelle figured it was probably a good way to identify personality traits like morals, problem solving and creativity.

 

As she waited, the elevator dinged pleasantly and a woman, dark-skinned and middle aged wearing a gray pantsuit with practical pumps, stepped out.  Her short, dark hair brushed her jawline, giving her a serious, almost severe, appearance.  With a polite nod to Michelle, the woman sat down to wait.

 

“Aren’t you a little young to be meeting with Tony Stark on a school day?” The woman asked quietly.

 

Michelle shrugged, “I have a pass.  It’s for a school project and my friend set it up.”

 

“Are you interested in engineering?  Computer science?”

 

“Journalism, actually.  I want to study political science and use that to work in investigative journalism.”  Michelle was surprised at her willingness to confess this dream to a complete stranger.  “I’m kind of hoping to find an angle to railroad Stark with.”

 

The woman smirked slightly and looked down at her hands, smoothing out an imaginary wrinkle in a nervous gesture.  “I can understand that.  Stark’s a very easy man to dislike.  Even to hate.”

 

Michelle’s journalistic instincts lit up like fire crackers as she leaned forward to engage the older woman.  At the same time, Michelle recognized that perhaps she should proceed cautiously.  For all her fire, Michelle had no interest in hurting someone who didn’t deserve it.  Quietly she asked, “Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

 

Neither Michelle or the woman made it to their respective meetings.

 

 

° ° °

 

The landline in the kitchen rang shrilly, prompting Michelle to look up from her chemistry notes with a sigh.  She couldn’t believe all of the work that had been assigned the second they had returned from winter break.  School had only been back in session for a week and she could feel the pressure building up again.

 

Michelle lifted the phone off the cradle, “Hello?”

 

“Hi, Michelle?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“This is Dr. Reineman.  I just read the first draft of your essay and I wanted to talk to you about it.  Do you have a minute?”  

 

Michelle’s eyes widened and she nodded before realizing that she had to speak, “Yes, sir.  I can talk.”

 

“When I saw your name on the roster of potentials I looked into your student records and I was intrigued, but I really didn’t think you’d make the cut.  I read some of your previous assignments and while they’re usually compelling, your personal bias is always evident.”  Dr. Reineman took a breath and continued.  “Your entrance essay for my class was nothing like that and I have to say I’m impressed.  It’s not the best thing I’ve ever read and it’s not the quality of a professional publication, but it is different.  You’re compassionate, insightful, honest and unbiased, which are all qualities that I look for in a student.”

 

“Thank you, Dr. Reineman.  Does this mean you’ll take me as a student or…?”  Michelle was at a loss for words, which was a novel experience for her.

 

“Michelle, you have a lot of talent and I want to work with you.  I’ve approved to have you in the class because I know you’ll excel.  I’d also like to have you do one more thing.  There’s a state wide student writing competition coming up and I’d like you to enter this piece in the social studies category.  I’ll help you edit it, polish up a few lines, but there’s very little I actually want to change.  The language of your piece is part of what makes it so compelling and that includes the flaws.  The deadline is in two weeks, if you’re interested.”  He sounded so enthusiastic about the idea that Michelle was thrilled by proxy.

 

“If it means more people will hear it, I’ll take any opportunity.  Thank you so much, Dr. Reineman.”  Michelle’s hands were shaking with excitement.  After another minute of hashing out schedules, Michelle hung up and sat down, deep in thought.

 

 

° ° °

 

A few months later Michelle watched a video of herself reading out loud on a small stage in front of an audience containing a few dozen people.  The video was playing on CNN.  All of the winners of the New York Young Writers competition had given a reading for a group of teachers, writers and college scouts.  Michelle had won in the social studies category, though she’d come fourth in the overall competition.  When she had been reading her piece to the tiny group, she was aware that it was being filmed and would be put online.  Her reading had gone viral with over six million hits in four days.  She wasn’t sure if it’s because a certain billionaire felt more people needed to see it or on the merit of her own work, but Michelle couldn’t be mad because the message was important.

 

“A Junior from Midtown Science High School in New York City has been making waves in international waters this past week with an unusual essay that she entered in the New York Young Writers competition.  The video was posted just a few days ago and has people thinking about the heroes in their own lives.  Let’s take a look."

 

° ° °

 

_“Dear Charlie Spencer,_

 

_My name’s Michelle Jones, but my friends call me MJ.  I’m writing to you because I want you to know what’s been happening in the world since you left._

 

_Sokovia must have felt like a hell of an adventure when you started out.  I know you went there to build houses and schools.  Two of your best friends went with you. I know that the three of you were using a program that you created to design and build a self-sustaining school that included educational computer programs for kids in a place where they couldn’t afford teachers.  I know that the building you had been working in collapsed with you in it and that was how you died.  I know all of this because your mother told me._

 

_I met your mom by accident as I waited to speak with a man that I still have not met.  I decided to ignore what was probably the most important meeting of my life to sit with your mom so I could hear her tell me about the most important thing in her life.  It’s you.  It will always be you.  You are so important to her, and you’re important to me too._

 

_Your mom told me about how she raised you by herself on a government salary.  I saw how proud she was when she told me about the job you got at IBM.  I learned about her work in the state department.  I learned how she’s using her government background to fight on your behalf, working with a man she once hated to try and make the world better._

 

_Since you left, Charlie, choices have been created, chances have been given and decisions have been made about situations like the one you were dragged into.  You will never have an opportunity to see these choices and chances and decisions, but others will.  I bet it doesn’t seem like much consolation, but some very smart people, like your mom, are working to help prevent things like Sokovia from happening again._

 

_I feel like you should know that you have a foundation named after you, that tells people how they can help others affected by disasters.  There’s a website and everything.  On it, every single person who died in New York, D.C., Sokovia, Johannesburg and later Lagos, Bucharest and Berlin are listed with biographies.  Your friends are on it.  Their names and faces are next to yours.  It doesn’t seem like much, does it?_

 

_Alright, Charlie, I’ve told you about so many of the things I know.  Now I need you to know something, too.  Even though you’re not here, you’re making a difference.  Even though you’re not here, you matter.  Even though you’re not here, you’re loved.  People remember you, Charlie Spencer, and I won’t let you forget that._

 

_Love,_

 

_MJ”_

 

 


	2. Mr. Spencer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony needs to talk to a lot of people about a lot of things.

**Rhodey**

 

The first week after the airport fight was the hardest.  Tony reviewed his actions, his mistakes, and came to a conclusion.  “I never should have signed.”

 

Rhodey had been practicing walking on his new braces with Tony quietly supervising.  “The accords?  Yeah, I guess.  You were pretty much retired, could have gone all the way with it.”

 

“I’m not using the Iron Man suit for ‘National or International Incidents.’ So, yeah, I’m mostly retired.  But Rhodey, something is coming.  I know no one believes me, but it’s out there and we are not prepared.”  Tony fiddled with a mechanical joint in his hand, but didn’t look up at his friend.  “If I’d just ignored Ross and let the others walk, maybe we’d still be together, to plan.  Maybe we’d have a chance.”

 

“Jesus, Tones.  You warned us all that something is coming ages ago.  For the record, I believe you.  And I remember Cap’s ‘plan’ for an alien invasion.  _TOGETHER.”_ Rhodey laughed and stepped towards the mechanic.  “That’s not a plan, that’s an adverb.”

 

Tony smirked a little and placed the gear down on the counter.  “I’m just saying maybe if we’d shown more of a united front it could have turned out a different way.”

 

“Let’s play this out.  Say you didn’t sign the accords and that explosion in Vienna never happened.  None of you would have _any_ say in future amendments of the accords.  No one else believes there’s a bigger threat coming, so there’s no point in planning for one. You wouldn’t be able to fund them privately anymore without risking Stark Industries.  Unlike the rest of them, you actually have responsibilities as the owner of a multi-billion dollar company with a hundred and twenty-five thousand employees relying on you around the world for their income.  Cool.  So you don’t sign and neither do they and according to the governments of the world, the team is retired.  You get back to working with SI full time on intelicrops and renewable energy and medical equipment and shit.  Whatever.”  Rhodey seemed to have forgotten his difficulties walking as he paced back and forth during his rant.

 

“And then one day there’s a hostage crisis or a HYDRA base or a terrorist attack and they show up.  The team gets involved and yeah, maybe they stop it, but they’ve now illegally entered a country as an unauthorized black ops team with the express intention of engaging in hostilities on foreign soil.  Maybe they've gotten innocent people killed again or maybe they've just caused massive property damage, but either way what they’ve done is _completely illegal._ And this time they don’t have the equipment you created for them, the armor you built for them, the vehicles you designed for them or the home that you gave them.  There would be no funding, there would be no back up, there would be no out and there would be no you as a scapegoat.”  Rhodey stopped pacing and stared at Tony as if daring him to disagree.

 

“If they avoided prison they would still be international fugitives and if they were caught they’d be locked up for life, maybe even executed. But yeah, you signing the accords was completely out of line and caused this entire situation.  The outrage of 117 countries representing over 6 billion people doesn't count for anything.  Their voices never mattered.  After all, it wasn’t illegal for private citizens to travel unregistered into foreign countries and utilize military grade weaponry in a civilian area until the accords came along.  Oh, wait.  You know this.  You faced an inquiry for doing the same thing in Afghanistan.  You adjusted and conformed, not to the will of the government, but the will of the people.  The people of the world don’t want some crazy dudes running around, fighting for their own agendas.  No, no, no, govern them fools.  All of us.”

 

With a sigh, Rhodey moved over to a stool and sat down to take the pressure off of his back and legs.  “I’m not saying you didn’t make mistakes.  You never should have been the one to present the accords to the team.  It should have been an individual decision for each of us.  And Ross shouldn’t have been allowed within one-hundred yards of that meeting regardless of his position as Secretary of State.  We had a perfectly capable, actual, U.N. representative available and I know Samantha Powers would have made the situation seem like a negotiation instead of an ultimatum.  I get that Ross is technically her direct supervisor, but come on.  Rogers didn’t seem to realize that the easiest way to change something in a document like that is to be a part of it in the first place.  Ross fanned a flame and I would almost say it was deliberate if I had any evidence.”

 

Tony was holding extremely still, carefully letting every word sink in.  He needed to process.  He needed to plan.  “I shouldn’t have been the one to go after them.  I was compromised.  I thought I was part of the team.  That they would come in and talk things out.  So much for team spirit.”

 

“The team dynamic was fucked to begin with.  Stick a group of super people in a room together when each of them has an alphabet soup’s worth of acronyms to sum up their disorders and people expected them to be cohesive?  Really?  At this point each and every one of you should be on a shrink’s couch four hours a day with a fucking pharmacy in your god damned medicine cabinet.”  Rhodey shot a look at his friend, challenging him to make a joke. 

 

“The behaviors that every single one of you has exhibited would require an FFD evaluation in any military or law enforcement organization and yet, here we are, supposedly defending the world.”  He gestured aggressively at the building around them, curling his lip.  “There’s no way SHIELD was providing therapy for Rogers and Romanoff.  The Avengers sure as hell weren’t.  It was never even suggested and looking back on that, I’m ashamed.  I should have pushed on that more than anything else.  God, how much could we have avoided with honesty?  Ultron?  Bucharest?  You trapped in a bunker in Siberia?  Well, I didn’t push then, but I’m pushing now.  This is something you can do to move forward, heal, plan and prepare.  We need to talk to a professional.  Not about aliens or weapons or technology.  You, me, Vis.  We need to talk to someone about how to handle our own issues.  How can we be expected to help the world if we can’t help ourselves?”

 

“I talk to you.”

 

“Well, I’m compromised, too.”

 

**Vision**

 

In the months following the so called ‘Civil War,’ Vision began quietly disappearing for weeks at a time.  Initially, he had been a key player in some of the accord’s amendments such as tracking enhanced individuals when they weren’t working and mandatory DNA submissions for signatories.  Vision didn’t even have DNA, so it was considered an unequal agreement by the U.N. if only some individuals were able to provide it.  Once the main alterations had been made, Vision left Tony and Rhodey to their own devices.

 

The only time the other two were certain they would be able to catch him in person was at their bi-monthly meetings with the psychologist that they had all agreed on.  Individual sessions were set up privately, but the bi-monthly meetings as a team had given them more insight than any of them had thought possible.  Often times they would eat dinner together afterwards and discuss the what they had learned that day or practiced any exercises the therapist had assigned them.

 

After one particularly difficult session Rhodey had been unable to stay and talk, leaving Tony and Vision behind.  Vision attempted to fix lasagna for their dinner, which turned out to be surprisingly palatable.

 

“You’ve been practicing.”

 

“I have.  Cooking is satisfying, even if I can't enjoy the meal itself.  I can always find someone to share it with.”  Vision had a strange look on his face.  Tony would almost say it looked like affection, but it wasn’t directed at him.

 

“You’ve been speaking with Wanda?  You know where she is?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Don’t tell me.”  Tony doesn’t want to know.  He can’t know.  He understands the mistake he made with Wanda, trusting her to stay at the compound while her visa was being sorted out.  _Not to mention she was wanted by the Nigerian government for negligent homicide, assault and illegal entry,_ a small voice in his head supplied.

 

“Sir, please understand that I know Wanda committed multiple crimes.  There are many reasons she should be arrested.  She should stand trial.  She would be convicted and she would be sentenced to prison.”  Vision paused to let them both consider.  “Please also understand that I care about her.  While she has not been held accountable for her actions, she does feel guilt over them.  We have been discussing her conduct, trying to work through them.  I realize that this is not my place, but I can’t stop caring for her.”

 

“Vis, it’s fine.  I don’t want to hurt Wanda.  I don’t hate any of them.  They're not important enough to hate.  I don’t _care_.  I just don’t care anymore.  I’ve made it clear to the U.S. and the U.N. that I am compromised when it comes to them.  Including Wanda.  Just stay off the radar and be careful.  I can’t lose you too.”  Tony wouldn’t be able to bear losing Vision, whether to arrest or heartbreak.

 

After they ate, Vision pulled a case out from under the coffee table and opened it up.

 

“Board games?  I didn’t peg you as the type.”  Tony’s eyebrow quirked up and he almost smiled.  “What is that, backgammon?  Not really my game.”

 

“Wanda has been teaching it to me.  I find the lack of predictably to be refreshing.  No plan can cover every roll of the dice.”  Vision sat on the couch and began setting the pips into place.

 

Tony moved to sit across from Vision, eyeing the way his friend’s steady hands set up the board without hesitation.  The mechanic had never liked the game much.  Chess was his forte.  Acting, not reacting.  Thinking out each possible scenario and considering all the possible outcomes.  The endgames.  The therapist had recently brought up Tony’s desire not just to fix things, but plan for them.  Tony was hyper aware that most people saw him as impulsive, but he had incredible reserves of patience if he was _planning_.  His escape from Afghanistan relied on a plan.  He had planned for his death when he was being poisoned and acted accordingly.  When he’d been captured by AIM he'd only escaped because of a modified ‘Hello Kitty’ watch that was all part of a _plan_.  

 

Of course, his plans didn’t always work out.  Ultron had been the plan for the ultimate endgame.  Tony still didn’t know where he’d gone wrong _(if he’d gone wrong)_ and no one else could figure it out either _._ And when he was compromised emotionally and didn’t have time to plan _(a roll of the dice)_ things went south at supersonic speeds.  _(Happy’s injuries, Charlie and the accords, Barnes)_

 

Vision cleared his throat, which was absurd since he didn’t produce phlegm, and indicated that he had played.  Tony picked up the die cup and rolled.  Double sixes.  A good roll.  

 

‘Boxcars,’ Tony thought, remembering something Steve had once told him. ‘A roll of two sixes is called boxcars.’

 

“Do you still believe in the Avengers, Vis?” Asked Tony after they’d both rolled several more times.

 

“Personally I always thought the name was poorly chosen.”  Vision’s lips twitched upwards in a smile as he looked at his friend.  “But as for what we stand for, yes.  We are here to serve and protect the people of this planet, or any who ask for our help.”

 

“It’s a lot to take on.”

 

“Tony, we have chosen to take on the role of protecting the world.  Of course it’s a lot to take on.  And with that choice comes a great deal of scrutiny.  And accountability.”  Vision rolled the dice between his thumb and forefingers, but did not continue the game.  “The people who choose to uphold the law cannot be above it.  Maybe that is naive, but that is the foundation of justice.  Is accountability not the reason why the people of many nations call for body cameras on police officers and soldiers?  The people who are supposed to protect them?  If they must justify their actions then so should we.”

 

Tony looked down at the backgammon board, no longer willing to play the game.  Introspection was a bitch. 

 

Vision began picking up the pieces and said, “You have often been viewed in the lowest regard while simultaneously being held to the highest standards.”

 

“And how do you view me, Vis?”

 

“I hold you in the highest regard, because you hold yourself to the highest standards.”  

  
****

**Peter**

 

When May Parker came striding into his office towing a cringing teenager and a shell shocked asset manager, Tony was hardly surprised.  He _was_ surprised that she didn’t start yelling.  Instead, she sat very calmly in the seat across from his desk and said, “Explain yourself.”

 

Not speaking, Tony handed her a thick manila envelope that was sitting on his desk before May had even arrived.  She took it and flipped it open to the first page, reading it, and then re-reading it as her eyes grew wide.  “What the hell is this, Stark?”

 

“It’s the list of charges you could have brought against me, with enough evidence to ensure I won’t walk out of prison for a few decades, at least, billionaire or not.”  He was still so tired, so emotionally broken, that jail would have been less of a prison than the weight he was shouldering with the pressure from the accords and the feeling of dread that hadn’t lessened at all since he’d flown into that damn wormhole.  His therapist had explained that these feelings had likely intensified due to the guilt he was feeling about his treatment of Peter.

 

“No, Mr. Stark, you didn’t do anything wrong!”  Peter was, as usual, the loudest in the room.  His eyes were enormous and hopeful and so earnest that Tony could barely look at him.

 

“Kid, I did a lot of things wrong.  I thought, at the time, they were for a good reason, but that doesn’t make me right.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at Happy, before waving his asset manager out of the room.  “Mrs. Parker, I had reasons for what I did, but they aren’t good enough.  I’m sorry.”

 

May stared down at the papers, white faced and tight lipped.  “Kidnapping, child endangerment, a dozen other things I can barely pronounce.  What gives you the right?”

 

“You don’t have to listen if you don’t want to.  I don’t deserve it.”  Tony glanced at Peter before the kid could speak up again.  “I don’t deserve your defense of me either, kid.”

 

Tony focused on May.  “If you want, I can try and explain my actions.  How we proceed from now on is up to you.  It should have always been up to you.”

 

“Thank you for your permission, Mr. Stark.”  May replied, cuttingly.  “I’m so glad I can have a say in my kid’s life threatening extracurriculars.”

 

“May, stop.  I was doing this for months before Mr. Stark came to me.  Please just listen to me!”  Peter looked shaken and pale and desperate in a way that made Tony irrationally want to hug him.  May pursed her lips but didn’t say anything and Peter took that as permission.  “When this thing happened to me, I thought I was going crazy.  I don’t just have insane strength.  I can hear a car backfire from two miles away.  Or a gunshot.  Right now I can smell the hotdog stand over in the commerce square.  I can see your pulse in your neck.”

 

“Peter, what-“

 

“The first night I could hear everything that happened within a mile of the apartment, I heard a man beat his dog, a kid scraped her knee, an old man was mugged and pushed to the ground and broke his wrist.  I heard someone talking to a friend as they stood on a roof three blocks away and their friend talked them out of jumping off.  I could smell the fear.  May, it hurt.  So bad.  And then Ben died two days later and if I’d stopped the guy with my abilities I could have saved him.  But I wasn’t.  I know you’re mad and Mr. Stark, yeah, he made some bad choices, but he’s owning up to them and I can’t stop doing what I do and I’m sorry.”  Peter sucked in an enormous breath and let it back out, trying to calm down.  May looked sick.

 

“Okay, Mr. Stark,” May said unsteadily, “I need you to tell me everything.”

 

So Tony told her about how FRIDAY alerted him when ‘Spider-man’ made the rounds on youtube for the first time.  He explained how impressed he’d been with the guy’s speed, strength and then later, the synthetic webs that were strong enough to lift a bus up.  He talked about designing the suit and how he had spent months adding features as he thought of them, all the while getting closer to the hero’s identity.  Tony told May about his shock in finding out that Spider-man was only fourteen.

 

“When I found out how old he was I decided not to contact him.  I kept making improvements to the suit, constantly updating it, but I figured I would wait to talk to him when he was eighteen.  He was making a difference and the work he took on was a decent training program in and of itself.  He wasn’t getting hurt so I didn’t feel like I should interfere.”  Tony shifted guiltily at that confession.  

 

“When everything was going to hell and my _friend_ was suddenly an international fugitive who could legally be shot on sight throughout most of Europe, I thought bringing Peter in to restrain people might give everyone some time to cool their heads.”  Peter looked a little hurt that Tony had never intended to reach out to him until his hand was forced, but the kid just continued listening quietly with is aunt.

 

“The skirmish in Germany never should have happened.  I wanted Peter there because he could restrain just about anyone but the Hulk with that webbing of his.  I am sorry, so sorry, that I took him.  It was wrong on every level.  I told Peter afterwards that we had all been going easy on each other.  That’s not true.  I thought that would be the case, but then a plane got smashed, a gangway was collapsed, a damn fuel truck was thrown and it all just went to hell from there.  We got back and I figured that Peter had already used the suit and it was safer than his pajamas, so I let him keep it.” 

 

May looked ready to explode, “So what about the accords?  Peter’s enhanced now, and off fighting crime, apparently.  Does he need to sign?”

 

“The accords only apply to international and, in the U.S., federal incidents.  Until Pete went after those idiots robbing the ATM’s everything he had done before was classified as anything between being a good samaritan to a citizen’s arrest.  Nothing he did had caused property damage, crossed state lines or had any casualties, or even injuries.  He prevented muggings, stopped car accidents and rescued cats from trees because he was being _nice._   The police weren’t interested in him.  Hell, most of them like him.  He doesn’t have a vendetta or agenda.  He’s just being a good person.  The few mistakes he’s made have been dealt with.”

 

Tony continued to tell May about Peter’s unsuccessful weapons bust, the lake, the ferry and the fallout.  Once he finished telling the part about the plane crashing May’s sick expression had returned.  “Listen carefully, Stark.  YOU will teach him, YOU will train him and if anything happens to him, YOU are responsible.  I’m keeping this file.  It’s not blackmail, but I will see you punished if you hurt my kid again.  We both know I’m being generous.”

 

 

°°°

 

The next afternoon Tony looked up when Peter shyly poked his head through the office door, knocking as he entered.  

 

“Hey, Mr. Stark.  I want to apologize again for yesterday.  May was just shocked, is all.  But I’m really sorry.”  Peter’s babbling almost made Tony smile, but he couldn't quite manage it.

 

“We have a lot of things to talk about, and the first is stop saying sorry.  You have nothing to be sorry for and neither does your aunt.  I deserve a lot worse.”  Tony stood and moved around the desk to stand directly in front of Peter.  “On the subject of apologies, I owe you.  A lot of them.  So focus up, kid, because I need to know your listening.  There are going to be a lot of changes in how this ‘mentoring thing’ works.”

 

For once, Peter didn't jump in to the conversation.  Instead the kid stood stock still, waiting for some indication as what he should say or do.  Tony paused for moment to gather his thoughts and continued.

 

“What happened with the ferry and the plane was my fault way more than it was yours.  You told me that people were selling alien tech and I seemingly brushed you off.  I wanted you to stay out of it and I told you that when I pulled you out of the lake, but I didn’t explain why.  I just yelled at you and pretended that you’d fucked up and I made you feel like you had.  That was wrong and I’m sorry.  From the time I dropped you on that playground to the time I left we talked for over two minutes.  I looked back at the footage just so I could time it.”

 

Tony stopped again and handed his phone to Peter.  “Do a favor for me and time my next couple of sentences.”

 

Peter looked confused, but pulled up a stopwatch app on Tony’s phone, “Okay, Mr. Stark, go ahead.”

 

“I’ve alerted the F.B.I., A.T.F. and the D.O.D. to the situation with the alien weapons.  Because this is a federal case and I want these dangerous assholes prosecuted to the full extent of the law, I want Spider-Man to stay away.  Any interference on your behalf could compromise evidence and the prosecution.  It’s a delicate situation and you don’t have the training to take something like this on, yet.”  Tony stopped for a moment and then asked, “How long did that take to say?”

 

“24.41 seconds.”  Said Peter quietly, looking up from the phone and handing it back to Tony.

 

“If I had said that to you that night, would you still have tried to go after them on your own later?”

 

Peter shook his head, refusing to look Tony in the eye.  “No.  I actually feel really stupid for not realizing this in the first place.”

 

Sucking up his pride, Tony laid his hand on the younger man’s shoulder.  “Peter, when I gave you that suit it was my responsibility to make sure you understood everything that went with wearing in.  You had every right to question me and I have zero justification for saying ‘because I said so’.  You’re not just smart, you’re a genius.  But brilliance when you’re a kid is its’ own problem.  You question things and that’s important, but other people might not always feel that way.”

 

“You have nothing to prove, but the fact remains that you need to continue training.  Not just the physical stuff.  You need to be fully aware of the potential consequences of any action you take.  For the next couple of years you and I are going to go over legalities, liability, accountability, due process, chain of command and anything else that’s relevant to operating on a large scale.”  Tony grinned to try and lessen the severity of his words.  “Part of what makes you so special is the image you promote to the public and, yeah, I’m taking advantage of that.  Right now people see you in their corner, helping them out no matter what the problem is.  The world needs that lately, kid.  I don’t think you should take that away if you can help it.”

 

“After you left yesterday, I sent an e-mail to your aunt outlining the training regimen Rhodey, Vision and I have come up with.  She made a few changes that we agreed to, so I’m gonna need you to read through the conditions and come to me with any questions.”  Tony eyed the younger man, reassuring himself that the words were sinking in.

 

Peter nodded his head enthusiastically.  “You got it, Mr. Stark.  I won’t let you down!”

 

“Look, Pete, this is new territory for all of us so I’m gonna be brutally honest with you.  There is a lot riding on whether this training succeeds or fails.  You are the first of a new generation of Avengers.  How you handle this responsibility is going to determine the fate of the future Avengers.  In a lot of ways, it’ll determine how enhanced people are treated throughout the world.”

 

Throughout the next two hours, Tony and Peter sat side by side painstakingly going over Spider-Man’s new regulations, such as what crimes he was allowed to get involved in and which ones would automatically be called in to Tony by his AI.  The subject of a college fund, medical care, a large food stipend and new equipment had Peter balking, but Tony was firm.  He also made it very clear that certain actions would be reprimanded and the punishment enforced with the severity of the action dictating the severity of the punishment.  Peter called it the Parker Pyramid of Punitive Measures.  A training schedule had been created as well as set times to study the different legal hurdles that would be encountered.  Tony hesitated to bring up the last, potentially touchy, subject of the day before sending the kid on his way.

 

“You need to work with a therapist.  Non-negotiable.”  Tony could see Peter’s consideration.  “I see one, now.  He’s actually specifically for the Avengers, so Rhodey, Vis and I all go.  Normally it would be a conflict of interest, but we need someone who knows what each of us has gone through.  He also serves as a mediator for group sessions.  I know you’ve been through a lot already, kid, but this is important.  You never know how some things weigh on you until you have to face them, usually in the shittiest possible situation.  It can skew your judgement.  God knows, mine’s been skewed for decades.”

 

Peter looked thoughtful and a little ashamed.  “I wouldn’t mind talking to someone about things.  This professional, I mean.  I’ve been angry before.  Like, real angry.  And with how strong I am, I just can’t be.”

 

Tony could sense there was more to that sentence and waited.

 

“Do you know how my Uncle died?”

 

“I know he was killed…stopping an assault?  Right?”

 

“Not exactly.  It was during Christmas break.  I wanted to surprise Ben with lunch so I texted him to meet me at the park by his office while I grabbed some sandwiches.  The guy at the deli was being an asshole - I mean jerk.  Another man walked in and he was muttering to himself, sorta confused.  But then he pulled a gun out and started screaming about needing cash to get the government off his back.  The deli guy just pulled out what was in the register.  Didn’t try to reason or fight back because it was really obvious that this guy needed, like, professional help.  And I let him go too.  But that wasn’t why I let him by.  I was still being petty about the deli owner being a jerk.  I could have stopped the man and restrained him.  It would've been super easy.  But I let him go because it wasn’t my problem.  I made it to the park just in time to see Ben standing between that man and a woman.  Ben was super calm and stuff, but the guy just…shot him.  I ran to Ben and the police showed up because the deli owner had called.  They didn’t even have to chase the man down.  He just let himself get taken in.”  Peter sighed with a weariness that made him seem decades older.

 

“The thing is, I know the man that killed Ben is sick.  Like, really sick.  And I feel sorry for him, but I also kinda hate him.  I know it’s not his fault, but if he hadn’t been there, then Ben would be alive.  I told May how I felt, how I still feel, and she sat me down and said that it was okay.  It was natural to be angry.  I don’t ever have to see that man again but if I did, I wouldn’t hurt the guy.  The police showed up right as Ben died and I’m grateful for that because if they hadn’t been there, I probably would have killed that man.  It doesn’t matter that it was clear he wasn’t in his right mind, because the second Ben died, I wasn’t in my right mind either.  That scares me so much, being that angry.  Sometimes I still feel like I’m not in my right mind.  I don’t know if I ever will be.”

 

**Charlie**

 

Peter had been working with Tony for a little over a month when the kid came in requesting an interview for his friend.  As he had gotten to know Peter, Tony had found it impossible to deny the kid almost any request.  They ate what Peter wanted to eat, worked on projects Peter picked out and even listened to the kids music when they were together.  Of course he agreed to speak with Peter’s friend, even if she did plan to ‘burn him.’

 

On a brisk Tuesday afternoon in December, Tony’s appointment had yet to make an appearance.  

 

_‘She’s never late.  Punctual to the point of passive aggressive, really.’_ Tony stood and walked to his office door, considering heading down to the lobby to see if she had gotten pulled into a debate with legal or something.  When he opened the door, however, Tony was greeted by the sight of his colleague _laughing_ with a girl who had to be Peter’s age.  She never laughed.  Tony realized that his next two meetings were never going to happen, so he closed the door quietly and went to sit back at his desk.

 

°°°

 

Tony never ended up meeting Peter’s friend, but in late February something interesting occurred.  #DearCharlieSpencer was trending on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and every other social media site in existence.  Panicked at first, Tony began reading through the feeds, the comments, Charlie’s website and was astounded.  People were writing letters…to Charlie.  Emails mostly and a lot of tweets. Some people had even sent physical letters to the foundations address.  They wrote to him about their families, friends, schools, chores, favorite books and every other topic under the sun.  People wanted Charlie to be remembered. 

 

He traced the tag back to the original source, which turned out to be a video of a high school student he vaguely recognized reading a letter to Charlie.  He watched it to the end and wondered if everything he was working for would ever be enough to stop what was coming.

 

Tony pushed those dark thoughts back and tried to organize his feelings with little success.  He opened a dest drawer in a search for aspirin and noticed a leather bound paper notebook inside.  It had probably belonged to Pepper once.  Or maybe it had come with the furniture. He didn’t know or car.  Tony didn’t write on paper.  He hadn’t for decades.  But there was something compelling about the idea of defacing a blank notebook with all of his heavy thoughts.  He pulled the notebook out, dug up a pen and began to write.

 

°°°

 

_Mr. Spencer,_

 

_I had the opportunity to review the resume that you submitted two years ago and I have to say I’m impressed.  You would have been an exceptional addition to the team, though accepting IBM’s offer meant that you would have made a management position sooner.  Smart decision, really._

 

_Jesus Christ that was shit.  I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t know why I’m writing to a kid I got killed.  I don’t know how this is supposed to fix anything.  Help anything._

 

_You know when I met your mom in person the first time I recognized her.  I don’t know if she knew that at the time.  I thought she might be there to kill me.  She wasn’t._

 

_A few months ago she retired from the State Department and started helping me make adjustments to the accords.  The thing with legislation like that is you can’t know all the flaws until they've been implemented.  She helps me keep track, looks for future issues, keeps an eye on possible trouble spots.  What she’s doing is changing the world.  Slowly, but it’s getting there.  Your mom knows a lot about me now since we've spent so much time working.  If it’s cool with you, though, I’ll tell you even more._

 

_When I built my first fully functional, remarkably advanced, one of a kind robot Dum-e and showed him to my dad he told me that the programming and design were flawed.  I should have done better.  That was the day I questioned my intelligence._

 

_Then there came a day when I was riding along in a military vehicle with soldiers that were fifteen years younger than me and I was thinking how amazing it was that my designs were keeping these kids safe.  Jimmy and Pratt and Ramirez.  Five minutes later they were dead and a weapon that I had designed, one that literally had my name on it, landed next to me.  I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I had created to defend them and protect them.  And I saw that I had become part of a system that was comfortable with zero accountability. That bomb exploded and I questioned my integrity._

 

_I woke up in a cave with my ribcage cracked open, looked down and saw my own beating heart.  I survived just to be tortured into building weapons for a terrorist organization.  Despite everything, I made a friend and we worked together to be able to escape as I designed the first iron man.  And as I put on that impenetrable metal suit for the first time, Yinsen, my friend, charged into a group of armed soldiers with nothing to protect him but the shirt on his back.  I questioned my courage._

 

_A friend, father figure and someone I loved tried to kill me after I made it back home.  Not just a bullet to the brain, but a slow, agonizing death.  I questioned my friendships._

 

_Not long after that I found out that I was dying. I needed years of research to cure myself in just a few months.  I’m ashamed to admit that I gave up until I was handed the relevant research on a silver platter.  I gave up on myself and questioned my perseverance._

 

_Loki showed up a little while after that.  I know it seems like we were doing well in that fight, despite all the damage.  We weren’t.  We were losing ‘together.’  Then I flew a nuke through a wormhole and holy shit, the things that are out there.  I questioned my purpose._

 

_Someone I had once dismissed out of hand returned to prove his ability.  He almost killed me and someone I love very much.  If I hadn’t been so arrogant it might have been avoided.  I questioned my confidence._

 

_I know you can’t appreciate it now, kid, but I did have a reason to design Ultron.  I don’t know when, but something is coming that the world is not prepared for.  I saw more than just a mothership of a few hundred aliens.  I looked out across the stars on the other side of the universe and realized there was an army of millions.  Using that scepter was so wrong, I know that, but I was desperate in a way I can't explain.  I don’t even understand.  A poor excuse, but I needed to tell you.  Ever since I have questioned my sanity._

 

_When I saw a video of my ‘friend’s’ best friend strangle my mother on a cold dirt road in the middle of the night I questioned my entire world view._

 

_There’s a whole shit list of things I could have done differently, but I guess it’s clearer in hindsight._

 

_I should never have allowed my company to be used as an international arsenal.  I should never have allowed SHIELD to use my resources.  I should never have funded the Avengers.  Maybe I should have told the others about the Ultron program, but they were never interested in anything I was building before.  Even when I tried to tell Bruce, a scientist, a friend, about the creation of the most advanced medical technology ever envisioned, he fell asleep in about two minutes.  So much for second opinions from the scientific community, or a friend for that matter._

 

_I should never have been the one to speak to the others about the Accords.  It escalated the situation and spiraled out of control.  I told the United Nations and the U.S. Military that I would take responsibility for the team so they wouldn’t be arrested in Nigeria, and then Bucharest, then Berlin.  I should have let them face the legal consequences for their actions but I wanted us together to face whatever’s coming.  I used your name, your story, to try and prove a point.  That was a dick move._

 

_It was their right to choose as individuals instead of trying to force us to work as a team.  I certainly don’t want people watching my back who don’t want to be there.  It’s not good for anyone._

 

_There’s a lot I could still tell you about, but I don’t know what to say.  I guess my point, Charlie, is that I have spent my whole life doubting.  But I don’t doubt your mother.  I don’t doubt what’s coming.  I don’t doubt that you would have been an amazing, if you’d had the chanch.  I’m so sorry.  For everything.   And that’s what I really needed to say.  That and thank you, Mr. Spencer, for being the voice of so many people, even though you’re gone._

 

_Sincerely,_

 

_Tony_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I had created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that was comfortable with zero accountability.-Direct quote from Tony Stark (Iron Man 2008)


	3. Hey Charlie

**Natasha**

 

 

Steve connected to the crappy Wi-fi using the chunkiest laptop he had ever seen.  The internet from the cafe across the street barely reached their rented apartment, forcing him to sit in a cramped corner with peeling paint just to keep the connection.  Natasha was with him that day while Sam had gone out on a grocery run.  Wanda had been spending more and more time away from the group without saying where she was going.  

 

Steve pushed thoughts of Wanda’s gallivanting to the back of his mind.  He wanted to check on Tony, who was currently in India, according to sources, and see what alterations had been made to the accords, if any.  It was grating that he was unable to change the restrictions himself, but he had hope.  With some hesitation Steve opened the search engine and typed ‘Tony Stark I-.’

 

Before he could finish his query, the suggestions popped up and Steve blinked in surprise.  He actually wanted to laugh.

 

‘Tony Stark is Iron Man’

 

‘Tony Stark is a genius’

 

‘Tony Stark is a billionaire’

 

‘Tony Stark is a playboy’

 

‘Tony Stark is a philanthropist.’

 

Those were the top suggestions from Google.  It had been such a long time since that first meeting on the helicarrier and tensions had been through the roof.  Looking back it was such a stupid situation.  The staff had been affecting them and they had all seemed to relish the opportunity to express their pent up aggression.  Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.  It read like a grocery list, but Steve knew he was more, even if he didn’t like to admit it.  Had Steve never actually looked into Tony objectively before?  He’d been given some info from SHIELD, and then he knew the man in person so it hadn’t seemed necessary.  With the new situations from the accords, maybe it was time to gain some new insight.

 

“Nat, why did you say that Tony wasn’t fit for the Avengers program?”  Steve asked Natasha, who was sipping coffee in the makeshift sitting room.

 

Natasha looked up from the newspaper she was reading and frowned, “I never said that.  Especially not to you.”

 

“Not directly, no.”  Steve ran his hands through his hair, stood up and moved to the kitchenette to make a second cup of coffee for himself.  “A few days before everything happened with Loki a SHIELD agent brought a dossier for me about Tony.  They said he would be working with SHIELD in the future and I should prepare myself.  It had an evaluation that you’d done the year before and about ten minutes of video clips from around the same time.  You said a lot of things about him and looking back it doesn’t feel like it was all that accurate.”

 

For just a moment Nat’s carefully blank face made an expression of…regret…guilt…something.  She took a measured breath and replied, “Exactly three people were ever supposed to see that evaluation.  Fury, myself and Stark.”  

 

“Why?”

 

She turned back to the newspaper without really reading it.  “We needed him to work with SHIELD, pretty desperately, but we couldn’t let him know that.  He’d turned us down initially, but we needed his ideas, his equipment and his money so we waited until he was vulnerable and manipulated him.”

 

Steve wanted to be shocked, but it made sense.  “Manipulated him how?”

 

“He was dying, slowly and painfully enough to feel himself burning out, but fast enough to make it almost impossible to cope with.  I went in a few weeks after he had found out and watched him self-destruct.  When he was just about at rock bottom SHIELD offered a temporary solution and the resources to find a cure for himself.”  Natasha didn’t look guilty or ashamed and Steve wasn’t sure he’d believe her if she seemed to be.  “After he’d cured himself and my assignment was complete, Fury and I concocted that report.  We figured that if we told Tony he WASN’T good enough for the initiative then he’d do everything in his power to prove us wrong.  It worked.”

 

“Tony was dying?  So the videos I saw, the evaluation I read, every initial impression I was given before I even met him, were about a desperate, dying, broken man?  Nat, I hated him before I even met him!”  Steve didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he wrapped them both around his coffee mug and sipped.  “Even after everything we’d been through, even after I knew a different Tony than the one you’d written about, that first impression that was given to me colored our entire relationship.  I never moved past it.”

 

“I did my job, Steve, and I got Tony to work with us.  The better question is, who benefitted from getting you to distrust him in the first place?”  Natasha actually looked concerned.  “No one else was supposed to see that evaluation, so why was it given to you?”

 

For the first time, Steve wondered if someone had been trying to plant distrust in Tony.  He’d always thought his feelings had stemmed from the other man just NOT BEING HOWARD, despite how similar he was to the Howard that Steve had known.  

 

“Fine.  Maybe someone was trying to turn us against each other from the start.  But we had years to work that out, even if I was biased.  Even if we were both biased, since Tony wasn’t much of a fan to start with, either.  No matter what, he shouldn’t have signed the accords.  If none of us had signed, they wouldn’t have been able to drive us apart.  They wouldn’t have forced him to hunt us down.”  That was an undeniable fact to Steve.  

 

Natasha tilted her head, “Steve, I signed the accords.  And Tony didn’t force me too.  We had been breaking multiple international laws for years.  By the time we left Nigeria, we should have been arrested.”

 

“Nat, signing would have meant explaining every action, being tracked, having to submit to psychological and medical examinations.  Having government paper pushers dictating our movements.  The Avengers can’t do the things that need to be done if we’re constantly justifying our actions.”  Steve couldn’t understand why Natasha was willing to give up that freedom.

 

“Do you mean like justifying using Tony’s money, home, technology and equipment to travel the world searching for your missing friend?”  Natasha leaned forward in her seat, gaze leveled at her friend. “Signing the accords when they were first presented was the only way to have a say in the future changes, and I wanted to make sure things always changed in our favor.  I don’t know if you realize this, but it was illegal to invade foreign countries with a group of hostiles before the accords came along.  The countries of the world were going to prosecute us eventually no matter what.” 

 

“Come down off your moral high ground, Natasha.  Seriously, after what you said at congress? ‘You won’t lock us up because you need us’ was the gist, right?”  Steve couldn’t believe what she was saying.

 

Natasha rolled her eyes and stood to put her empty mug in the sink.  “That was a bluff that paid off _once._ There was no way we’d get so lucky a second time.  I stand by what we did that day with SHIELD, but hundreds of innocent lives paid the price.  My covers were burned but I had a back-up plan.  Other agents, good people, they weren’t so fortunate.  And then you found out about Bucky and your entire world view became tunnel vision.  You used Tony, not just his resources, but the friendship he thought you both shared.  You’re outraged that I manipulated him for two months to help protect the world?  You manipulated him for two years to protect two people, and one of them was you.”

 

“If you thought that way about me then why did you help?”  The conversation was making the guilt creep back up.  But he was so certain that he’d been doing the right thing.

 

“I thought you had a plan.  And then at the airport I looked back at the damage you’d caused in just the two days since you’d found your friend.  There were families in that tunnel, Steve, and you rammed that car into civilian vehicles like they were tanks.  You attacked police officers, who, like it or not, had every reason to arrest Bucky, even kill him, but he was brought in alive.  Your information in Lagos was wrong.  Your information in Siberia was wrong.  But you ripped through other people’s lives and I didn’t want to see you kill one of us.  So I let you go.”  There was a darkness in Natasha’s eyes and a weight to her words that made Steve cringe.

 

“Something you don’t realize, Steve, is that, unlike you, Tony will probably forgive me.  Because I can justify my actions.  I can explain myself.  To be honest, I doubt this will even change our relationship much.  I still like Tony and at the end of the day he probably still tolerates me.  He won’t be able to do much about getting me pardoned, since T’challa is the one who informed Ross about my attack.  But if I called him today, I’d bet my life I’d get resources.”  Natasha stated firmly.

 

“What, did Tony expect you to switch sides?”

 

“No, but I know he wasn’t surprised by it either.”   Natasha’s lips quirked up slightly.  “Ever since he came to the realization that I had been pulling his strings as he was _dying,_ Tony has never stopped believing that everything I do has a hidden agenda.”

 

Steve clenched his jaw as he realized how that might have affected the team dynamics.  “Clearly he doesn’t know you as well as the rest of us.”

 

Natasha looked at Steve, face perfectly blank. “Clearly he knows me better than you.  I _always_ have an agenda.”

 

 

**Wanda**

 

 

Steve knew that Wanda had been lonely ever since they had started running.  It had been several months and she was frequently gone for days at a time, only returning to check in with the group as needed.  When Wanda had finally returned after a two week long hiatus, Steve decided that he needed to evaluate her mindset and see where they stood.

 

“We haven’t talked in a while.”  He said when Wanda walked in the door of their newest motel room.  “I thought we could hang out for a bit and catch up.”

 

Wanda smiled and dipped her head in a nod.  “I’d like that.”

 

They ate a quiet dinner together, speaking with each other from across their respective beds with takeout cartons propped in their laps.  Once finished, Steve packed their trash into a paper bag and walked it to a garbage can outside so they wouldn’t attract vermin.  When he returned Wanda was setting up a chessboard, the cheap travel kind that used magnets.

 

“You play chess now?”

 

“Vis and I play, sometimes.”

 

That was alarming.  “You’ve been spending time with Vision?  Wanda, he could-“

 

“He could do a lot of things.  But he hasn’t.  We play chess and we talk.”  She finished setting up the board and tucked her legs in indian style.

 

Steve sat at the edge of the bed and angled himself towards her.  “About what?”

 

“About the past, about people, about laws, about the future, the world, Ultron, the accords, Pietro, prison.”  Wanda looked at the board intently and moved a pawn.

 

“You know I almost signed the accords.  The day we brought Bucky in, police officers were dead, but Bucky was safe and then Tony offered to get him psychiatric help.  He told me that Sam and I could have what we’d just done legitimized.  I told him there would have to be safeguards and he said the documents could be amended.”  Steve responded to her opening.  

 

“So why didn’t you sign?”

 

“He said he would file a motion to have me reinstated.  And you, reinstated.  I was surprised when you came up.  He told me you were confined to the compound and Vision was keeping you company.  I told him that was basically internment.  That you’re just a kid.  He said the government was threatening your visa and he was protecting you from something worse.  The raft was definitely worse.”  He watched Wanda’s next move and tried to picture where she was leading him with the game.

 

“Vision told me I was there to protect others from me.  To give people a chance to cool down and not be so afraid of me.  I didn’t want to leave.  If I had stayed I would still be there, safe, with my friend instead of hiding in motel rooms and ‘safe houses’ with people outside terrified of me.”  Her hands shook enough to knock over one of her knights and she paused to set it upright.  “I told Vis when I left that I can’t control other’s fear, only my own.  And yet, there is no reason to act in such a way that makes others fear me.”

 

“Wanda, you weren't allowed to leave.”

 

“And where would I have gone if I’d even wanted to leave? You and Nat and Sam were all American citizens, American heroes, and there were people willing to protect you.  I know that you are willing to protect me, but in the eyes of your government, they were harboring someone who had just broken multiple international laws with no consequences.  I had never had to face the consequences to my actions before.”  Wanda nodded at Steve to indicate it was his turn then continued.  “Pietro’s death was the closest thing to a consequence I have ever experienced.  I do not blame you.  You protected me.  Perhaps too well.  Vision told me that I needed to consider the consequences for my actions before I left the compound.  I assumed that if I was arrested that I would be confined to my home once again.  I did not know that I would be sent to prison.  Sent to that place.”

 

“I didn’t know, either.”  He should have suspected, though.  Tony had said he was protecting Wanda from something worse, but Steve had left the room before the other man could explain.

 

“And yet, where did you think they would send us?  Did we not break laws, Steve?  When we entered Lagos I used my powers, which can level a city if I lose control.  I used a weapon more powerful than any bomb, in a country I had no right to be in.  A country we weren’t even allowed to be in.  I went to Germany and used those same powers.  Of course the world is terrified of me.  What usually happens when people break the law?  And what did you think they would do to contain me?  I had already proven that I couldn’t be trusted to stay within the boundaries set to me as a precaution.  When I was told to stay at the compound the first time, I did not understand what was at stake.”  She moved her rook to take a pawn.  The first casualty of Steve’s army.

 

“Because Tony didn’t explain everything to you.”  Steve retaliated by taking one of Wanda’ pawns.

 

“And why was that his job?  You are the team leader, you asked me to join the team and yet you did not know what acquiring a visa and maintaining it entails?  I had no wish to listen to Stark patronize me, regardless of what help he provided and I made that very clear.  I am an adult.  I was in America on a visa.  The others who enter your country with a visa, they go through lawyers, they wait years, they work so hard and spend money they don’t have to be able to get there.  I did not bother to know what it took to allow me to stay.  I never asked.  That is not your fault.”  She sighed and let her long hair fall over her shoulders to conceal her face.  “I was afraid, when I was on the raft.  I was afraid that I would never see the sun again.  Afraid that I would never feel again.  I was not afraid when I was at the compound.  My home.  I was not afraid when I was laughing with Vision and he was trying to comfort my conscience.  And then Clint came and he ‘rescued me’ and I threw my friend through solid concrete and left him there because Clint said I needed to make amends.  That helping you would make things better even though you knew it was illegal.”  

 

“Wanda, you understand that it was for a greater cause.”  Their chess game had been momentarily forgotten.

 

“I understand that you had time to call Natasha and explain the situation more than a day before we arrived.  Even if she didn’t believe you, at least you could have said you tried.  When I worked with HYDRA, they taught us all manner of sabotage, from simple to complex.  Could you not have called the airport in Moscow and told them there was a bomb threat on a plane approaching from Germany?  It would have bought you time.  Time enough, perhaps, for Natasha to coordinate with those people who would have been legally allowed to destroy the other soldiers.  Time enough, even, for you and your friend to disappear.”  She wasn’t yelling, but the impact of her words were significant.

 

She didn't even sound angry as she continued.  “And as for Zemo, why were you taking Barnes with you to confront him?  The man had already proven he was capable of controlling your friend and yet you take him to a base with five other people who could all be controlled by Zemo.  What if he had activated your friend?  What would you have been able to do?  Why did you call us to fight so that _you and Bucky_ could go?  Why not send Clint and I to Siberia?  I could have easily dispatched of those monsters and Zemo.  Clint _was_ an assassin.  If we had snuck into Siberia, destroyed the threat and left, no one would have known.  There were no civilians that could get hurt. I could have gone back to the compound and apologized.  I know Vision.  He would not have even reported my absence.”

 

Steve scoffed, ignoring the clenching in his gut that made him wonder why he hadn’t sent her instead.  “Is that what Vision told you?  The accords would have forced him to report it.  If you’ve been talking about laws, then you know Vision believes in upholding them.”

 

“And yet I walk free, despite having destroyed innocent lives.  What the council doesn’t know, won’t hurt them, so to speak.  Vision told me if they do find out, he will accept any consequences, but he won’t hurt me.  Which is why I will do everything I am able to not jeopardize my freedom.”  She turned her attention back to the board, quickly moving her queen into place.  “If the U.N. had implemented the accords before Lagos we would never have even gone.  You would never have confronted Rumlow.  I would never have thrown a bomb into a building and killed more than a dozen people.  I would never have been restricted to the compound.  I would never have caused all of that damage at the airport.  I would never have hurt my friend.  Colonel Rhodes would never have been injured because Vision would not have been distracted by me, his friend.  I would never have been imprisoned in the raft.”

 

“But HYDRA might have released that bio-weapon, Wanda.  Hundreds of people could have been killed.”  This, at least, Steve was confident about.

 

“Might have, could have.  What proof is there of that?  Prove to me right now that if we had alerted the authorities to the situation, allowed them to take charge of a situation that we didn’t even have proper intelligence on, that it would have been worse.  Prove to me that they couldn’t do their actual jobs.  You can’t prove that.  The only thing I _know_ is that I would not have been there.”  Her voice took on a slightly bitter tone and Steve realized that he couldn’t provide proof.  Not to Wanda.  Not in a court of law.  He had no plan for that.

 

“If they hold us back from helping then next time, no one gets saved.”   

 

“And who are we saving now?  If we could not follow the laws of the countries we were attempting to help, we had the option to retire.  CLINT WAS RETIRED!  That was evidence right there that we would be allowed to step back from the Avengers without repercussions.  I might have learned to help another way.  Used my powers to build things, not tear them down.”  Wanda’s bishop devoured his queen and left his defenses wide open.

 

Steve ruminated on possible answers while he weighed his options on the board.  He didn’t really care for chess and the conversation had taken a turn into the unexpected.  Chess didn’t reflect real life.  It was all about foresight and thinking steps ahead of everybody else.  Viewing as many possible outcomes of a match the longer it went on was the only way to win.  There wasn’t any room for luck, just pure strategy headed towards an endgame that was difficult to see.  Steve appreciated the game, but it just wasn’t his style.

 

Backgammon was tactical, with reactions being dictated by each player’s previous moves and the ever fickle rolling of the dice.  Sometimes the better player lost because of a bad roll.  

 

When Steve had an objective, he worked towards it with an awareness that circumstances changed.  When he got stuck, he would keep doing what he’d been doing until circumstances changed.  That’s how he’d gotten the super soldier serum in the first place.  Fifth times enlistment was the charm.

 

He reacted to new challenges as they came instead of planning for each possibility.  That type of life just didn’t seem possible.  ‘ _But that’s what Tony does, right?  He’s the real man with a plan.’_   Steve reflected.  _‘He’d rather just cut the wire.  And that’s a pretty solid plan.’_

 

When he looked back up at Wanda, Steve realized it was still his move.  With a sigh he nudged another pawn into place.

 

 

**Bucky**

 

 

Steve was relieved to be back in Wakanda to see Bucky for the first time to begin the slow process of removing the HYDRA programming and restore his memories permanently.  He had been awake for a few weeks, acclimating to his new settings.  Steve had been a key figure in Bucky’s most recent memories, as well as a strong connection to his past, so the Wakandan scientists had put off bringing him in.  They had wanted to make sure that Bucky felt secure in his own mindset and had time to organize his thoughts and memories.

 

When he walked in to a spacious living room to see his best friend look up at him with full recognition in his eyes, Steve almost cried.  Even though everything else had fallen apart, this, at least, has made things worthwhile.  Bucky walked over and slung his arm around Steve in a one-armed hug and the other man gratefully returned the embrace.

 

They spent the afternoon walking through a garden, admiring the unknown flowers and plants, talking about old times and some of the current developments around the world.  Steve learned that Bucky’s memory was faulty at best, even about more recent events.  Some occurrences he remembered with perfect clarity, though the context was often muddled.  Steve did his best to fill in the blanks and told himself that he would answer Bucky honestly, no matter how difficult the questions might get.

 

“How did you even find me?”  Bucky asked as they sat on a bench, resting from the African heat.

 

“A friend of mine, an agent, she helped me out.”  Steve wasn’t certain that he wanted to elaborate.

 

“The same one who stole your equipment back?”  The voice was neutral, but there was an undertone in the way the words were spoken. 

 

“Yeah, she’s helped me out before.”  

 

“She must really care about you.  Isn’t that committing treason, what, twice?”  There was no judgement, but curiosity, certainly.

 

“Yeah, well, it saved your life.  She’s the one who told me about the kill order.”  Steve felt an urgent need to defend Sharon’s actions.  

 

“So is that why you showed up?  To help me escape?”  Bucky was tracing the pattern on the bench with his index finger, seemingly fascinated by it.

 

“No, I wanted to bring you in alive.”  It was such an obvious sentiment that Steve was surprised Bucky would even ask.

 

“Then why didn’t you tell me you wanted to bring me in?”  

 

“I…did?”  Hadn’t he?

 

“As they were closing in you said that it didn’t have to end in a fight.  Then you kept wasting time by asking me why I pulled you from the river.  You never asked me to stand down.  You never said you would protect me.  You didn’t say that you wanted to help me or bring me in safely.  I just wondered why.”  Bucky had stopped looking at the pattern and instead looked searchingly at Steve.

 

“It was sort of implied.”  Again, an obvious answer.  

 

“Steve, I’ve spent years having to obey the most literal orders to the letter.  Nuances aren't really something I get.”  Bucky slid his hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose as he mentioned his previous handling.  “It’s just, you wasted a lot of time asking questions that could have waited.  You didn’t even try to bring me in yourself.  So is that what you were really going to do?”

 

“It’s complicated.  If I’d brought you in then you would have had to suffer because of stuff you did when you were in HYDRA’s control.  I just couldn’t let that happen.”  Steve’s first priority had always been Bucky, even at the expense of others.  

 

“So why hadn’t you told anyone about the conditioning before?  You _knew_ that I was being tortured and coerced.  You knew for two years and you didn’t tell _anyone._ I know how the world works now, how media influences it, and I know you do too. You’re not stupid, Steve.  You were still popular, still admired, still had influence two years ago and not once did I see any claims of my _innocence_ be made public.”  There was a vein pulsing in Bucky’s neck, the only indication that he was agitated.  “When I was framed for the bombing every news outlet said ‘James Buchanan Barnes, the Winter Soldier.  Infamous HYDRA agent, linked to numerous acts of terrorism and political assassinations.’  Not a single person mentioned ‘Bucky Barnes the War Hero and P.O.W.’ because they didn’t know.  Of course they were just going to kill me because they had no reason to think I was anything other than an imminent threat to people.  You had two years to discuss my situation with people in power or the world.  You had the best god damn press manager in existence on your side with Stark, but you just let the world think I was evil..  What did you think they would do?”

 

Steve’s mouth felt dry.  “I thought they would listen to me.  Once I had you secured I could help you remember.  You could explain yourself.”

 

“If you’d found me before Vienna happened, what was the plan?”

 

“I’d help you remember.  We’d fix you.  No one else was looking for you, yet so you’d stay with me and we’d work together.  Like old times.”  Steve had fueled that fantasy in his head for over two years.

 

“With the Avengers?  At that place Stark built?”  Again, that neutral tone Steve couldn’t read.

 

“Well, yeah, it’s for the Avengers.  You would’a been a great one.”  Steve grinned at the thought.

 

Bucky was not as willing to share Steve’s levity.  “Steve, I killed his parents.  I didn’t have control.  I was locked in my own head, but it was my body.” 

 

“The guy in that video, who killed Howard, that wasn’t you and you can’t feel guilty about it.” Steve desperately needed to drive the point home.

 

Bucky, for his part, looked shocked and…hurt?  “Steve, I remember the face of every person I killed.  I remember the details of every dossier I read.  I know about their families, their friends, hell I know about their pets.  I can still feel my fist slamming into Howard’s face.  I can still hear him begging me to spare his wife.  I can feel my hand, wrapped around her throat, squeezing.  You don’t get to tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty.  You insisting that I’m innocent doesn’t take away my feelings.  I wasn’t in control of my actions, I know, but _I_ am the one who _remembers_ hurting people.  I am the only one who gets to decide whether I feel guilty.  The families of the people I killed are victims, too, and not ONE of them owes me their forgiveness.  You need to allow me, and them, the dignity to choose how we move on.”

 

“Bucky, I just needed Tony and the others to know you before I explained things.  If they knew you, then they’d forgive you.  Tony knows what it’s like to be tortured.  To be forced into a situation.  He would understand if you knew you.”  It was such a simple plan that Steve had been certain it would work.

 

“But it should have been his choice.”  Bucky glanced sideways at Steve.  “There’s this thing I do now where I try explaining my actions to the people I hurt.  In my head, you know.  They told me that it’s a way to process guilt and grief.  And with some of them I managed it.  I pretended I was talking to them.  Apologizing, or explaining.  And sometimes it helped.  And sometimes it didn’t.” 

 

A part of Steve didn’t want to hear the rest of what Bucky had to say, because he knew that he wouldn’t like what he would hear.  But a bigger part wanted to know how to adjust to the weight that he had been forcing himself to carry ever since the face of the Winter Soldier had been revealed.  So he waited for Bucky to continue.

 

“I tried to talk to Howard.  I tried to explain why you were defending me to him.  But it was too hard right now.  Because even though I couldn’t control my actions when it happened, I remember Howard now and he was my friend, too.”  Bucky shrugged his shoulders helplessly.  “You remember Howard, right?  The guy who helped give you your abilities.  The man who flew an unsanctioned rescue mission as a civilian to get ME back just because you asked him to.  Who custom designed dozens of shields for you and let you take the one made of the rarest metal in the world.  Your friend, Howard, who gave you crappy love advice, went drinking with us, played cards with us, laughed with us and equipped us with all the cutting edge designs he could come up with.  Howard, one of Peggy’s best friends and somebody she had absolute faith in to do the right thing.  The person who co-founded SHIELD with her, an organization they named for YOU.  Howard Stark, who spent forty years and millions of dollars searching for you, Steve.  And you used his kid.  The kid you decided had no right to grieve.  No right to be hurt.  No right to NOT forgive you.  You left him in a bunker in Siberia to die, there’s really no way around that.”

 

Steve felt like he was going to vomit, which hadn’t happened since he had become Captain America.  Thanks to Howard Stark.  “Bucky, I didn’t leave him there to die.  I just wanted to get you away, that’s all.  He’s Tony Stark, he wouldn’t just DIE.”

 

“You’re right, Starks don’t just die.  Super soldiers kill them.”  And was that a blow to knock the air out of Steve’s lungs.

 

“He was going to kill you.  It’s why I never told him before he met you.  If he had hunted you down himself and killed you I couldn’t have lived with it.  I was terrified of his reaction.”

 

“His reaction to your _lies_ doesn’t justify you lying.  Steve I’d forgive you for anything because you’d do it for me.  Just don’t expect Stark to forgive you, to trust you again, because he doesn't have to and now you have no right to ask him to.  He was down and alone.  You could have stayed for five minutes.  Really tried explaining things while you had a literal captive audience.  But you left.”  Bucky doesn’t look Steve in the eye.  Steve would sometimes forget that Bucky technically had more formal military training than he did.  Never leave a man behind was drilled into Bucky’s head.

 

“I just needed to get you away.  Someday Tony will understand.  He probably already does.”  Of course he would understand.  Tony’s genius is why he was brought into the initiative.

 

“But he doesn’t have to forgive you and you need to remember that.  Maybe someday some disaster will show up that’s too big for him to hold on to the past, but I kind of hope that doesn’t happen.  The end of the world as an excuse to forgive and forget sounds awful.”    

 

 

° ° °

 

A few weeks later Steve had left Wakanda and found himself in yet another crappy motel in Eastern Europe.  He flipped on the television that looked to be almost as old as he was and began flipping through channels, trying to find something in a language he understood.  He clicked past one and quickly changed back when he recognized a name in the banner of a news station.  

 

_Dear Charlie Spencer._

 

 

°°°

 

_Hey Charlie,_

 

_I should start out by saying the last letter I wrote to someone was indecent at best and my only excuse for that was haste.  I need to clear the air with so many people.  I’ve made mistakes, betrayed people, left a man behind.  I stood up for what I believe in, but I’ve pushed others down at the same time.  Like I said, I have apologies for a lot of people, but I want to start with you.  We’ve never met and we don’t know each other, but I feel like I need to explain myself to you.  The only reason I know your name is because Tony Stark told me who you were.  I can give explanations but I know that some things I’ve done might not be forgivable.  I don’t know if I’m alright with that or not.  I don’t know if I can change._

 

_Until I looked at your website, I didn’t know how many people had been killed in Bucharest, I didn’t know the names of those who died when SHIELD fell and I didn’t know the faces of the civilians from Lagos who never made it home.  Life is always clearer in hindsight.  Or it would be if I bothered to look back._

 

_I don’t know if you ever read about me in your history books.  I’ve read about me in history books and let me tell you, I liked what they had to say.  American hero, stands up to bullies, looks out for the little guy and never gives up.  Those books will tell you that I tried to enlist five times before I got my chance.  What those books don’t tell you is the reason I was rejected and the real reason I enlisted._

 

_I was 24 years old when I tried to enlist the first time in 1942.  My parents were both dead and my best friend had just been sent to basic for his training.  I never told anyone, but the doctor who examined me said I probably wouldn’t survive to 25 and it would be a miracle if I lived longer.  It wasn’t just the asthma and the heart condition and the family history of diabetes, it was the fact that I was likely a carrier for tuberculosis.  Nowadays in the states it’s not that big a deal, but back then it could be a death sentence.  Even though I didn’t have symptoms, people with conditions like mine are the most likely to develop them after being exposed.  Once you had the symptoms, you’re contagious and it could spread like wildfire._

 

_The thing is, Charlie, I didn’t think about the potential consequences of exposing other soldiers.  I only thought that my family was dead and the only person I still cared about was about to head to the other side of the world.  By the time he came back I’d probably be in an unmarked grave outside of some hospital._

 

_You know, there’s this song from the 60’s that I heard when I woke up by Roger Miller called ‘Me and Bobby McGee.’  It has a line that went ‘freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose’ and my God do those words mean something to me.  See, when I knew I would probably get sick and spend the last few months of my life in a state asylum I had nothing left to lose.  I knew I would never survive if I made it to the front lines, but to me it was better to die with comrades on a battlefield than alone on a bed.  It never occurred to me that I could be hurting someone else.  When Dr. Erskine gave me my chance and asked my why I wanted to be involved and I said I didn’t like bullies, I wasn’t lying, but it wasn’t the whole truth._

 

_I know that if I had told him all of it then he never would have seen me as this beacon of righteousness.  He told me to stay a good man.  And I wanted to believe in his belief so badly. And then other people believed it too.  And when Dr. Erskine and Howard and Peggy all knew I was a good man, I didn’t just believe it, I knew it._

 

_Later, when I’d rescued Bucky and I asked him if he’d follow Captain America into the fray, he told me he’d follow that little guy from Brooklyn.  He knew I’d always been a good man.  And after that, the whole world was saying it too._

 

_The thing is, when everyone who matters to you is saying that you’re so good, and then the world is standing behind them shouting it too, it makes it hard to look at yourself and see the flaws.  Any cracks in the foundation.  I was so built up I never doubted anymore.  I never doubt so I never change.  Maybe this means I can’t grow.  I don’t know if I want to._

 

_When I woke up in 2012 the world had kept on turning without me.  I was an image, an idea, a relic from a bygone era.  Sometimes I wish they'd kept me on ice and used my blood to make modern super soldiers.  Sometimes I wish they'd just left me.  Because when I woke up, for the first time since I was given the serum I doubted myself.  I doubted my place in the world.  I realize now that the world still believed in the idea of me, so waking me up gave that idea tangibility once more, but I wasn’t a necessity._

 

_Maybe after an alien invasion I should have gone back to art school.  Or I could have become a fireman.  Or maybe a gardener or something.  But SHIELD said the world needed me and, damn, it felt good to be needed.  And I have to admit that if I’d gone civilian then I never would have found out about Bucky.  My dead best friend, back from the grave.  People I know don’t seem to stay as dead as they should in this century.  But he wasn’t himself and that isn’t his fault.  Seventy years of operant conditioning will do that to a person._

 

_The thing is, Bucky was all I had left.  Before the serum I had known for a fact that I would never outlive my friend, so I would never have to live without him.  And after, honestly, it never occurred to me that I probably would.  So I had never been prepared to survive in a world without Bucky.  A poor excuse for the things I’ve done, maybe, but it’s what I’ve got._

 

_If I’d known then what I know now, I like to think that I would have done things differently.  Tried to be the Star Spangled Man with an Actual Plan, but I don’t know if I would.  In my rush to save one life I actively destroyed dozens more but I don’t know how to fix that.  Grief, desperation, pain, they drive us to unthinkable extremes and I’m not an exception to that._

 

_I don’t know why I’m writing to you, Charlie, when I’ve hurt other people far more directly.  I guess it’s because, before today, I didn’t know the names of any of the other victims caught in the Avenger’s friendly fire.  And I only knew your name because someone else told me.  I only remembered you because someone else has decided you deserve to be remembered, and they’re right._

 

_I’m sorry, Charlie, that you didn’t get the chance to do all of those amazing things that you wanted to do.  I’m sorry that I get so blinded by what’s in front of me that I lose sight of a much bigger picture.  I want to do better by people.  People like you who deserve the absolute best from people like me, who want to help.  I just don’t have the answer anymore.  I don’t know if I ever did._

 

_I’m sorry,_

 

_Steve_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually like the idea of Natasha in theory, but the writers give her so little time to develop as her own character it feels like it’s always two steps forward one step back in terms of understanding her motivation. Wanda has basically no character development between AoU and CW, and minimal character development in IW. In CW we see her interacting with other people in limited circumstances and are only given a minimum of insight in one scene between her and Vision. In IW, we do see that she’s on good terms with Vis, she’s not spending much time with the others and she has much better control over her powers. People are free to interpret both of these characters in a LOT of different ways, where with other characters there’s less room for interpretation. This is what I hoped happened between CW and IW, but there’s a universe of other possibilities.
> 
> I’d like to add that in Avengers, Steve tells Tony he’s seen the videos, implying that he’d seen Tony acting irresponsible in the armor. The only time we see that is in IM 2, where Tony is reacting to his upcoming death. I took it a step further and added the evaluation because, yeah, it was BS and I felt like this was a good explanation. Tony is certainly arrogant, but he’s also earned that in his own right. But never once since Afghanistan has he put himself above the team or the world for that matter, and prior to that he was ignorant. 
> 
> The TB thing is a trope that’s been done to death, but I’m viewing it in a different way. The tuberculosis exposure is canon in the movie and everything I mentioned about it in the letter is from research in our world. This isn’t meant to be Steve-bashing. Sure, it’s critical, but Tony’s chapter is critical too.
> 
> Lastly, the reason Steve writes to Charlie, as opposed to someone he is more at fault for hurting directly is because not once in the MCU are we given names or faces of Cap’s massive collateral damage. Insight, Lagos, Bucharest and Berlin all had canon deaths, but we don’t hear about the people. Interestingly enough, we are often shown Tony’s collateral damage and his reaction to it, as well as how he tries to fix it. Jimmy, Pratt and Ramirez (the soldiers in the humvee in IM 1), Yinsen, Wanda, Pietro and Charlie were all people that Tony felt responsible and guilty for hurting, whether directly or indirectly. Even Tony’s villains tend to have more sympathetic backgrounds like Vanko retaliating for his father’s imprisonment and Killian reacting to Tony’s dismissal. I decided that, rather than create an OC that was ‘wronged’ by Steve, I’d rather have Charlie be a representative of all the victims of every Avengers fallout regardless of who was most responsible.
> 
> P.S. I feel like Sharon Carter, cool as she could be, is either the worst agent in the history of agencies or she was sort of deliberately throwing fuel on the fire, so to speak. Just my opinion, but she does some sketchy stuff.


End file.
